Good morning, ladies. Today’s rain and wind seem to mirror the theme of this chapter in our series on marriage: the cost of conflict and the long-term damage it can cause. Just as storms can erode even the strongest foundations, unresolved conflict can slowly chip away at the heart of a marriage. When we hurt each other, it’s like shattering glass—those sharp, jagged pieces don’t just hurt us; they wound everyone around us, leaving scars that may take years to heal.
Over the years, as a counsellor, I’ve seen many broken people and broken marriages. The pain and damage can range from one extreme to another.
Andre and I both carried our share of the turmoil from our first marriages. We brought with us the weight of unresolved pain and the patterns of broken communication. In many ways, we were like two ships, battered by storms, seeking safe harbor but still struggling against the waves of past wounds. We broke ourselves and our previous partners, and when we entered into this new covenant, we were still carrying the shattered fragments of our old lives.
For a long time, we continued to cause and receive hurt, often unaware of the depth of our own brokenness. But God, in His mercy, began to show us that healing was possible—not through our strength but through His. He reminded us that while we may have entered this marriage as broken people, we didn’t have to stay that way. Restoration is the work of His hands, and even the most fractured hearts can be made whole again when surrendered to Him.
Today, as we reflect on the cost of conflict, let’s also remember the hope we have in Christ. No matter how broken we feel, His love is the glue that binds us together, healing the wounds we thought were beyond repair. Marriage is worth fighting for, but only when we fight the right battles—those that bring us closer to each other and to Him.
What are the right battles battles to fight:
1. The Battle Against Pride
Fight: Pride is one of the biggest barriers to intimacy. It says, “I’m right, and you’re wrong,” and refuses to yield or admit fault. This battle is fought with humility.
How to Fight: Practice humility by putting your spouse’s needs above your own. Be quick to apologize and slow to defend your pride. Seek to understand before being understood.
How to Survive: Remember that humility isn’t weakness; it’s strength under control. Trust God to work in both your hearts as you lay down your pride.
Bible Verse: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.” — Philippians 2:3
2. The Battle Against Unforgiveness
Fight: Holding onto past hurts can poison a marriage. The battle here is to forgive, even when it’s hard.
How to Fight: Choose to forgive, even if your feelings don’t immediately follow. Pray for your spouse and ask God to soften your heart. Speak words of forgiveness, even when they feel heavy.
How to Survive: Lean on God’s grace to let go of resentment. Remember that forgiveness is a process and trust God to heal your heart over time.
Bible Verse: “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” — Colossians 3:13
3. The Battle Against Communication Barriers
Fight: Miscommunication or lack of communication can lead to misunderstandings and distance. This battle is fought by seeking clarity and openness.
How to Fight: Create intentional space for honest conversations. Listen more than you speak, and when you do speak, let your words be filled with grace and truth.
How to Survive: Even when communication breaks down, don’t give up. Seek God’s wisdom in prayer, asking for patience and understanding.
Bible Verse: “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” — Colossians 4:6
4. The Battle Against Fear and Anxiety
Fight: Fear of the future or anxiety over circumstances can drive a wedge between spouses. This battle is fought with trust in God’s provision and peace.
How to Fight: Pray together, surrendering your fears to God. Remind each other of God’s faithfulness in the past and His promises for the future.
How to Survive: Anchor your hope in God’s sovereignty. Even when uncertainty looms, trust that He is in control.
Bible Verse: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” — Philippians 4:6-7
5. The Battle Against Spiritual Apathy
Fight: Spiritual drift can lead to emotional and relational distance. This battle is fought by prioritizing your relationship with God and encouraging your spouse to do the same.
How to Fight: Pray for and with each other. Read Scripture together. Seek to grow spiritually as individuals and as a couple.
How to Survive: Trust that as you draw closer to God, He will draw you closer to each other. Persevere in faith, even when spiritual growth feels slow.
Bible Verse: “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” — Matthew 6:33
6. The Battle Against Isolation
Fight: Isolation occurs when couples stop sharing their thoughts, feelings, and struggles. This battle is fought by intentionally connecting and building intimacy.
How to Fight: Make time for each other, even in busy seasons. Share your joys and struggles honestly. Engage in activities that strengthen your bond.
How to Survive: Remember that intimacy is built one small moment at a time. Stay committed, and don’t let distance linger.
Bible Verse: “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” — Ecclesiastes 4:12
7. The Battle Against External Influences
Fight: External pressures—whether from family, friends, or work—can create stress in a marriage. This battle is fought by protecting your relationship and setting boundaries.
How to Fight: Prioritize your marriage above all other earthly relationships. Set boundaries that protect your time, energy, and emotional connection with your spouse.
How to Survive: Keep Christ at the center, remembering that your marriage is a covenant between you, your spouse, and God.
Bible Verse: “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” — Mark 10:9
Every battle in marriage can feel overwhelming, but we are not called to fight alone. God equips us with His Spirit, His Word, and His grace. When we lean on Him, we can emerge not just as survivors but as victors, with a marriage that reflects His love and faithfulness.
“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” — Exodus 14:14
Marriage is a sacred covenant, not only between husband and wife but also in the eyes of God. When entering this union, we often think of the love and promises shared between us. But there’s another layer we usually overlook: what our marriage teaches our children.
When we destroy each other with hurtful words, silent bitterness, and unresolved conflict, our children absorb the weight of that brokenness. They witness the distance grow between us, and though we may try to shield them from it, they see and feel it all. Over time, they learn that love can be harsh, that mercy is optional, and that forgiveness is something to withhold.
The sad truth is, that in the heat of our battles, we rarely think about how our actions affect those innocent eyes watching from the sidelines. We forget that our marriage is their first glimpse of love, grace, and commitment. We teach them not just with words but with our actions—how to navigate conflict, how to love, and how to forgive.
But the day will come when they leave home. And when they do, we’ll be left with the sobering reality that the opportunity to model Christ’s love in our marriage has passed. The years we spent tearing each other down will have shaped their understanding of relationships, and we may wonder how different things could have been if we had chosen grace instead of pride, and mercy instead of retaliation.
By the time the silence fills the house and the children are gone, the regret may sink in—it’s too late to undo the damage. And though God offers us forgiveness and healing, the memories of what was lost may remain.
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
— Ephesians 6:4
Ephesians 6:4 calls us to not only nurture our children but to do so in a way that reflects Christ’s love. When we destroy each other in marriage, we provoke our children to anger, fear, and confusion. We fail in the charge to guide them in the way of the Lord.
Yet, even now, God’s grace can restore what’s been broken. There is still time to turn toward Him, to seek healing, and to ask for His mercy. If we are to teach our children anything through our marriages, let it be that love is patient, kind, and forgiving. Let it be that Christ’s love conquers all—even our deepest wounds.
Let us seek the kind of love that covers our failures and builds a foundation for the next generation. Even if we feel it’s too late to change the past, God’s grace can still reshape our future. It’s never too late to surrender our marriages to Him and show our children the redeeming power of God’s love.
Heavenly Father,
We come before You with humble hearts, acknowledging the ways we have allowed conflict to shape our marriages and affect our children. Lord, we confess that in moments of hurt and pride, we have forgotten the responsibility we carry—not just to each other, but to the little ones who look to us as their example of love and grace.
Father, we ask for Your forgiveness for the ways we have torn each other down, and for the pain our children have witnessed in our struggles. We now recognise our choices’ impact on them, and we feel the weight of regret. Lord, heal the wounds we have created and soften our hearts toward one another so that we may reflect Your love in all we do.
We pray for the strength to lay down our pride and to choose forgiveness, knowing that it is never too late for Your grace to restore what has been broken. Help us to turn to You, to surrender our hurts, and to rebuild a foundation rooted in Christ. Let our marriages become a testimony of Your mercy and healing, even if we feel we’ve failed.
Lord, we lift our children to You. Heal their hearts from any confusion, fear, or anger they may carry from the brokenness they’ve witnessed. Fill them with Your love, and guide them toward a future shaped by Your truth, not by the mistakes we’ve made.
May Your Spirit lead us as we seek to make amends, and may Your grace cover our every failure. Thank You, Lord, for the hope You offer us, even when we feel it’s too late. We trust in Your redeeming power to restore us, our marriages, and our children.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen.
